I am exhausted.
I'm tired of waiting for our LOA to arrive with no sign that it's coming anytime soon. Adoption is an entire game of waiting. First you wait on your agency to accept you into the program. Then you wait on a number of other people during your paperchase. Doctors, police departments, social workers, nurses, CPAs...you are waiting on THEM. Then you are waiting on the US Immigration Department. Then China. Then...then...then...and so I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of being financially strapped. I've not made it public on here mostly because I didn't want to answer any questions about it. Steve's no longer employed. It's a very long story but the company lost the contract he was working under and in the end, it just didn't work out. The whole process of going from him staying home all the time to him working full time, going through the training, knowing the contract was ending, etc. It was exhausting not only to my emotions but to our marriage.
I'm tired of fundraising. Yes, I said it. I'm tired of asking the people I love and respect the most to give me money. I hate that I have to do it. I hate that I can't just do it all on my own. I don't know why I can't be one of those people who get an anonymous donation that covers all our expenses. After we get this done, I will never fundraise again! It's exhausting.
I'm tired of filling out adoption grants. They aren't easy. You are constantly reminded of your financial situation. And then come the rejection letters. I'm tired of hearing "Sorry, we just can't help everyone." * I'm tired.
I'm tired of hearing "It's all in God's timing". I know thats not comfortable for you to read. It's not comfortable for me to write. Some of my best friends have said this to me. Some acquaintances have said this. And yes. I KNOW it's all in God's timing. And yes. I KNOW it will happen when HE ordains. But in this moment, right now...I'm tired.
I don't want to hear it. But I also know the things we need to hear most are quite honestly the ones we'd probably rather not hear at all. Even though I don't WANT to hear it, I NEED to hear it. It reminds me that everything is filtered through God's hands.
So I'm tired. Exhausted. I want to have enough money to pay my bills, to pay off our adoption, our LOA, Steve a job.
But until then, I have to rest physically and emotionaly when I can. And thank God for friends that encourage me even when I'd rather wallow in my self pity. And be glad they tell me things even when it's hard to hear.
*Please know I'm exceedingly grateful for the two grants we did get!