I am exhausted.

I'm tired of waiting for our LOA to arrive with no sign that it's coming anytime soon.  Adoption is an entire game of waiting.  First you wait on your agency to accept you into the program.  Then you wait on a number of other people during your paperchase.  Doctors, police departments, social workers, nurses, CPAs...you are waiting on THEM.  Then you are waiting on the US Immigration Department.  Then China.  Then...then...then...and so I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of being financially strapped.  I've not made it public on here mostly because I didn't want to answer any questions about it.  Steve's no longer employed.  It's a very long story but the company lost the contract he was working under and in the end, it just didn't work out.  The whole process of going from him staying home all the time to him working full time, going through the training, knowing the contract was ending, etc. It was exhausting not only to my emotions but to our marriage.

I'm tired of fundraising.  Yes, I said it.  I'm tired of asking the people I love and respect the most to give me money.  I hate that I have to do it.  I hate that I can't just do it all on my own.  I don't know why I can't be one of those people who get an anonymous donation that covers all our expenses. After we get this done, I will never fundraise again!  It's exhausting.

I'm tired of filling out adoption grants.  They aren't easy.  You are constantly reminded of your financial situation.  And then come the rejection letters.  I'm tired of hearing "Sorry, we just can't help everyone." *  I'm tired.

I'm tired of hearing "It's all in God's timing".  I know thats not comfortable for you to read.  It's not comfortable for me to write.  Some of my best friends have said this to me.  Some acquaintances have said this.  And yes.  I KNOW it's all in God's timing.  And yes.  I KNOW it will happen when HE ordains.  But in this moment, right now...I'm tired. 

I don't want to hear it.  But I also know the things we need to hear most are quite honestly the ones we'd probably rather not hear at all.  Even though I don't WANT to hear it, I NEED to hear it.  It reminds me that everything is filtered through God's hands.

So I'm tired.  Exhausted.  I want to have enough money to pay my bills, to pay off our adoption, our LOA, Steve a job.

But until then, I have to rest physically and emotionaly when I can.  And thank God for friends that encourage me even when I'd rather wallow in my self pity.  And be glad they tell me things even when it's hard to hear.

*Please know I'm exceedingly grateful for the two grants we did get!


Elizabeth said...

such honesty is refreshing! Love you!

Lillie Family said...

Oh sandy, of course you are tired. You have so much going on, it has to be expected.

The only thing I can tell you is to take it one day at a time.

FWIW, here is an idea on raising the funds. You may have already done this but, if not, it could really help! You will finalize your adoption in 2012 probably, right? So your $13k tax credit will come through your 2012 taxes (returned to you in feb/march of 2013). Starting in January of 2012, update your exemptions at work. Keep as much of your money as possible throughout 2012. Try to increase your paycheck by at least $1000/mo. This will net you out for the year and while you won't get all of the $13k back in 2013, you will have the money when you need in in 2012. Hope that makes sense!! Only 3 more paychecks until 2012. :-)

Stacia said...

Sandra,Please know you can e-mail me anytime to talk because I truly "get it."
I'll PM you my number.
Hang in there, it's almost over!

The Martins said...

It has been a long hard journey and it is so hard when you can't see the end of the road! I have not been through this situation exactly, but our son was in the hospital for the first 11 weeks of his life due to prematurity. Those were long, hard, wearing weeks! Just hang on. Your baby will be worth every difficulty in the end!