Family & other stuff...Sunday, October 22, 2006 (archive)

Current mood: sad

OK, I might be losing my mind. With everything that's going on in my life right now, I think I'm becoming paranoid about things that AREN'T happening.

I'm not sure if you've ever found yourself in this situation, but I'm there right now. And it's all about my family. I wish I could write everything I'm thinking and feeling, but some things are just too personal to write for everyone to read.

Just to give those lurkers a little background about me, I have 3 half sisters and 2 half brothers. My brothers and I share the same mother and my sisters and I share the same father. I'm a little like the outcast because I am the ONLY child of my mom and my dad. The others have each other, and I have no one. Now, that's not as bad as it sounds...I know it sounds pitiful, but I don't mean for it to be. When my mom died when I was 18, I was left with no mother figure. My one brother (the oldest of the two) disappeared shortly after our mother's death. I haven't seen or heard from him in years. As time went on, my remaining brother and I because extremely close. His wife (who was also very close to my mom), because like my second mother. But now, for some reason, I feel so isolated from everyone. Not just my brother and sister in law, but my other 3 sisters.

I wonder if there is any truth to my feelings or if I have now begun to imagine an isolation that really isn't there. Seriously, I sat tonight and thought I might actually be losing it. I love my family and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual (at least on some level). Then why all of a sudden do I feel like everyone is upset with me? Obviously, there is much more behind this story than what I am willing to type here...

I just don't understand why it is that families just can't be normal. I guess ultimately, I just have to make the effort to make family a priority with me so that the paranoia doesn't take hold when it shouldn't.

Today for the most part, was a good day. Church was wonderful. It was as if every part of the service was planned just for me. For us. For what we are going through. Every scripture verse, every song, hymn, prayer...all for us. All to give us hope and remind us that God is in control if we will just LET HIM BE. There are so many church friends who have been through this and have seen how God can work for the best in these situations. And those stories have brought so much comfort and hope to Steve and I. Sometimes I don't know how those without a church family make it through those hard times. I don't know what I'd do without my church family.
As for the future, I am certainly looking forward to better days ahead. Our immediate concern is getting the severance offer on paper and having our attorney review it. Once it's signed and we know where we stand, we can start moving in some direction.

Psalm 25:1-4 "To you O Lord, I lift up my soul. I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow."

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