4-Letter Words...Saturday, October 21, 2006

Current mood: hopeful


Not what you expected to see is it? Me either. During the last 36 hours, I have thought many 4 letter words, and most of them would make my dear mother turn in her grave. But hope was not one of them...until today.

I was hoping that I would wake up this morning to find all my anger turned into action. I'd get up, think of all the opportunities this turn of events would give us and get motivated to think of and plan for the future. You know, deal with the "what-ifs". But the first thoughts running through my mind when consciousness came was what I would say to the current owner of M. Lee Smith Publishers if I had the opportunity. And then I realized, I wasn't NOT angry. I woke up mad all over again.

Then I got up, read my emails only to find that we have a "low balance" warning in our checking account. And I thought, "how much more can I possibly take?" We both have good jobs now and STILL have to deal with not enough money at the end of the month! So, to channel my anger, not only toward the owners that did this to Steve, but also to God by this point, I started cleaning out our linen closet. Do you realize how much frustration you can release by throwing stuff in the trash can? It's cleansing.

Anyway, Steve was at a deacon's meeting at church so he was gone. When he came in, he flashed a card at me. No words, just the card. It was the card of a fellow deacon who works at a staffing agency. When the time came for prayer requests, Steve first mentioned his mom who is in the hospital, then went right into the events of yesterday. The fellow deacon interrupted before he even finished and said these 4 words..."I can help you". After that, almost every deacon in his team relayed stories similar to what we are going through.

Hence my new 4-letter word...HOPE. After Steve told me this story, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. And it was the return of hope. I had not recognized my feelings as the lack of hope, but when you are socked in the gut like we were yesterday, all hope goes out the window. And I didn't realize until that moment that I'd lost hope. And while this man may not be able to work a miracle for Steve, he will be able to help some. Even if it's just to restore Steve's hope. The thought has certainly restored mine. And it's just what the doctor ordered. I can actually see the light now. It's dim and small, but I do see it.

It's like I told Steve, the Lord has been good to us over the past years, so why now, when He is the only thing we have to lean on, we doubt His provision for us.

So today is a better day. The sun is out, figuratively and literally and I've managed to not only clean out the linen closet, but the medicine cabinet, and Jenna's closets.

I cleanse the anger through cleaning and then welcome back the hope.

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