It's been a rough week here at the Taylor household. At the risk of sounding like I'm complaining about my little problems when there are those out there struggling with way worse things, I'll make it quick (or not).
Before that, let me give you a little background...when we brought Kylie home, the only place she would sleep was ON us. Those were some dark days trying to figure out what would work. You'd think sleeping on the couch or in a recliner with her would have come to our minds pretty quickly, but no, not so much. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, we started taking turns sleeping downstairs with her on us while the other slept peacefully and quietly in the upstairs bedroom.
After a while of that, we moved her to the pack n play in the living room while we alternated sleeping on the couch. As she acclimated to that, we moved the pack n play to our bedroom. That was fine, but boy it was hard to get up in the morning and tiptoe around. I use the bathroom during the night pretty frequently and I was always afraid of waking her up.
It wasn't too long before we moved her to her crib in her room and took turns sleeping on the portable mattress on the floor in her room. Finally, after seriously what seemed like forever, we were back in the bed together and Kylie sleeping in the crib in her room. She would still awaken multiple times a night, crying out. We took turns going to her bedroom, patting her for maybe 30 seconds to a minute and she'd ease off back to sleep. These times because less and less until we were getting up maybe once or twice a night and for about 30 seconds and that was it. By this time, I was back to work, so Steve would take the weekday night shift and I'd take the weekend night shift.
Then she started sleeping through the night and might cry out briefly once or twice, but we wouldn't have to get up and go to her anymore. That progressed into sleeping without making a noise. Then, miracle of all miracles, she started sleeping until like 9 or 10am and taking 2-3 hour naps. GLORY! And yes, I thought something was wrong. :) That slowly wore off (growth spurt over) and she began waking earlier and earlier in the morning. The last 3 days she has been up multiple times a night, not just crying out, but crying, standing in her crib and having to be removed, held and rocked for 20-30 minutes before going back to sleep.
We've tried everything we know to do to get her back to sleeping decently again and nothing has worked. And quite frankly, even though we have come miles from those first days and weeks home, we are OVER IT. We are exhausted. Steve mainly because he's the one taking the brunt of it. But of course, I lay awake while he's with her, trying desperately to put her back to bed without her screaming, and feel guilty that I have to get up and work the next day. We've really been struggling this week.
Today, on my way to work, I was thinking about why this is happening. I do feel like my church, collectively and individually, has been under spiritual attack. So many young, hurting families. Senseless things they are having to face and go through. And while I'm thankful and blessed both my girls and husband are not in the hospital fighting for their very lives, this is OUR battle and it's hard.
And we have prayed harder than ever before. Not just about the sleeping/exhaustion issues, but about other hard things we are currently facing. And this is the realization I came to. The more I pray, the more God is going to draw me closer to Him. And the closer to Him I get, the harder Satan is going to fight to pull me away. Therefore, the more I pray, the harder things are going to get.
So, here is where the rubber meets the road.
I either keep praying, knowing Satan isn't going to give up easily and it's possible things are going to get worse, maybe WAY worse, before they get better. Or I stop praying, give up on the whole God thing and live a different life.
And it all comes down to whether I trust God.
Trust Him wholeheartedly. Trust him with the sleepless nights. With 3 years of unemployment. With feeling like we are lost. With having to tell my daughter we have no money to go school shopping. With wondering why I have to do more with less.
And so it is. The decision is mine to make. Strap in and hold on? Or turn my back and walk away?
Do I trust Him?