What I've Learned About Me!

So, I thought at nearly 38 years old (gasp!), I knew myself pretty well, but the whole China trip and being at home for a month has really taught me a lot about myself.  Some good and some not so much.  Some things I already knew about myself but never verbalized or forgot.  But in the vein of being transparent, I thought I'd share what I've learned about myself.

1.  I am fearful.  Not all the time, but I realized with Kylie, I would sit, wound tight as a watch, waiting for her to cry at night or in the car.  So much so, I would feel sick to my stomach.  That fear put me in a bad mood and kept me from leaving to go out with her (for fear she would melt down).  I remembered (after a while) that fear isn't of God and Satan was using that fear to literally paralyze me.  More on how I'm dealing with this later...but it's getting better.

2.  I don't like change.  My boss Sherri is probably shouting a big ol "AMEN" to that one!  My personality is such that I don't like change and I will fight it until I know it is inevitable.  At that point, I will accept it, adapt and sometimes even become an advocate for it.  When I know it's coming, I deal.  But I will tell you...I would just as soon turn and turn the other way.  There were several times during this journey that I had musings about driving until I hit the coast.

3.  I don't do the early years of babyhood as well as I imagined I did (or remembered from when Jenna was born).  I guess it's a little like child birth in that it's so painful while you are in it, but after you are through it, the joy of the child wins out and you forget the pain.

4.  I worry.  A. LOT.  I think this ties in with number 1.  I've always known I was a worrier, but having Kylie has highlighted that I'm a super worrier!  I worry about her and worry about Steve when he's with her.  I worry about her palate surgery coming up in July.  I worry about going back to work.  I worry about finances....I worry...Yuck.  I'm pretty sure the Bible says a little something about worry.  :)

5.  I had gotten lazy.  I used to think I had no time to get everything done.  Now that I REALLY have less time, I find that I can manage to be VERY productive when I know those few free minutes have to be used or else nothing will get done.  I guess going forward, I have no excuse.  Although, I do have all day every day at home now.  In another few weeks, that will be changing.

6.  I am prone to be a complainer.  If you have been here for any length of time, you have already figured this out.  Even if I'm not complaining out loud, I might be in my head.  :)

7.  I really, REALLY miss my time with the Lord when I don't have it.  This is a good thing.  I guess when you have to solely depend on Him every day to get through, you miss that fill-up.  I have been able to attend church service every week since Easter and I love it.  It's what I need for sure.

I'm sure there is way more lessons about myself to be learned but this is what is glaringly obvious.  Not all of them are happy and I'm not proud of some, but it is what it is.  Shedding light on my shortcomings might make it a little easier for me to try and overcome them.  So, if you see me anytime soon, remember I DO know how imperfect I am. 

Me and God...well...we are working on it!


Beth and Ryan said...

Kylie is beautiful! Sounds like from this post you and I are kindred spirits....several similarities. We have two girls born in China, both cleft lip and palate kiddos. Both had their palate surgeries here six weeks after we came home. The first week is tough. BUT, each day it gets better. Good luck to you!

Angie said...

You are one of my new heroes...blessings sweet sister in Christ, may God pour out his blessings on you!

Christy said...

You are doing great! I think we all forget about how crazy those first months of new motherhood are! It has been neat to watch your journey, and I was thinking the other day "Oh yeah, it was about 4-6 weeks before anything like normal came back!" So, you are right on schedule with all of my kids! =) Praying for you!