What I really want to do is pour my heart out in this post. I want to show you all the pain in my mind and heart. But these things aren't able to be put into words that would do them justice so it will be "just the facts".
I went to spend time with Daddy today. It had been almost a week since I'd seen him and I can tell you he looked a lot worse today than he did only a week ago. He is not eating much at all. I realized today that I would get excited over the 5 bites of peaches he took and cup of water he drank one day, but that would be all he had that day and probably all he would eat for 2 or 3 days and that is just not enough to sustain life. Today that reality hit me fully in the face.
I have to be honest, I can not see how he is continuing to hang on. There are not words enough to describe how thin this nearly 6 foot tall man is now. Let me make it clear...I am watching him starve to death. I understand now the court cases surrounding removal of feeding tubes. Daddy was absolutely clear throughout his life that he never wanted to be kept alive with a feeding tube and we have honored those wishes. However, if there were already a feeding tube in place, removing it, after seeing what I have, would be awfully hard.
It is just a matter of time now. I would say no more than 2 weeks at most. That's just my guess. He could hang on longer. Only God knows.
He was aware of us being there today. When I came into the room, he recognized me and reached for me. He hugged me and when I kissed him and told him I loved him, he said he loved me too. Each time I'd leave the room he'd tell me to be careful. The two things he said his entire life to me, he says now, in death, "I love you" and "Be careful". That's my Daddy for you.
To you who have sent emails and left comments on my Facebook...thank you. Keep the prayers coming. I know I will need them in the days ahead.