Withdrawing

I have realized something about myself lately that I want to bring out into the light.  I figure if I say it out loud (and on the blog) then maybe I’ll be more motivated to change it.

I have a tendency to withdraw.  Not like a depression type withdrawal, but just a tendency to pull back from friends and sometimes even extended family.  And if those friends or family don’t really try to bring me out, then I just stay withdrawn.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean.  People that kinda know me might not realize this, but I can be shy and quiet in certain situations.  If I’m on, what I consider, “my turf” (somewhere I consider my comfort zone), even with strangers, I am outgoing, talkative and sometimes even humorous.  If I am on my turf with a personality that’s way bigger than me, I can sometimes withdraw and turn quiet and introspective.  For example, I might attend a Bible study at church.  Church is a place where I’m comfortable no matter who I am around.  However, if I am in a group where there is a stronger personality than me (and I’m not a strong personality, so it’s not hard), then I might come across as quiet, or sad or upset.  Typically, I’m not any of those things, but it might seem that way.

If I am out of my comfort zone, then I do withdraw and won’t usually engage in conversation easily.  When I would go to Steve’s work parties, I wouldn’t know hardly anyone and I would be really quiet.  Steve would get so irritated with me because he said people thought I was unfriendly and snobby.  In reality, I was just not putting myself out there.

And I also have a tendency to pull back when I feel like I don’t fit in.  And this happens A LOT with me.  It happens with people I’m not really close to and friends that I AM very close to.  I HATE it.  At work, my WBFF Katelyn and I would eat together every day.  Occasionally, my friend Rachel would ask if I wanted to eat together.  And even though Katelyn and Rachel didn’t really KNOW each other (at least at first!), they always had NO problem talking to each other and engaging in whatever conversation we were having.  And I really admire that about both of them.  How they aren’t afraid to just jump in and put themselves out there.

I have friends like that who can make a friend anywhere.  And the only difference in them and me is that they willingly take the risk and put themselves out there.  I know this is part of how Satan pokes at me and makes me feel insecure.  I notice it happens a lot at…of all places…church.  I’m constantly allowing myself to feel left out, excluded, not part etc. at church and it sometimes affects my ability to worship the way I want to.  And if I’m not careful, I’ll completely withdraw from people who are in my circle of close friends.

Reading another blog today, I realized, I don’t have to be that way.  I don’t have to feel insecure.  I don’t have to withdraw.  I don’t have feel excluded.  Sad.  Alone.

I just have to put myself out there.  Which for this personality…isn’t easy.  But now you know.  And it’s incentive to try harder to stop the withdrawal from happening and enjoy every minute of this all-too-short-life.