I've debated over the past few days whether to even post this or not. But I think part of my working through is talking it out and this is a unique forum to "talk". First, let me caveat what I am going to say to those who don't know me well or don't understand what a personal relationship with Christ means...I have no doubt that God is in control each and every day in my life and I feel that struggling in my faith will only serve to make it stronger...but right now, I'm in that valley and hence this blog...
As most of you know, we were unable to conceive through traditional methods. I went through one in-vitro fertilization cycle back in 2000 and Jenna Grace was the miracle that was produced. Because that cycle was quick and successful on the first try, I had no doubt that a sibling would be as easy when we had the money to try again. Well, I was suprised when 4 years and 4 cycles later and we were out of money, cycles and patience and no sibling for Jenna Grace.
And after all of that, I just knew that God had something bigger and better in mind for me. And I was OK with that for a while...content. But lately, after a combination of other things, I have become rather angry and upset with God and the way things have turned out for me.
I was raised in church and have always prayed and done my devotional daily. But lately, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I cannot get close to God. I have tried time after time to improve my prayer life and my Bible Study time both individually and with Steve. And each time, I start and may do well for a day or two or week or two and then I can't hold it together and it falls by the wayside or simply becomes a matter of habit instead of a relationship. And after so many times of trying and failing, I have gotten weary of trying.
Not only that, but now I find myself angry at the way things have turned out with having another child. And if I hear one more person say that "You never know...God might still work a miracle", I will scream. I KNOW GOD CAN TURN MY INFERTILITY INTO A MIRACLE CHILD! I trust that He will if it's in His will...but I just don't know if I can stand hearing that comment one more time! I stand by and watch young, unwed girls get pregnant not even trying and I get very angry at God at why He would allow something like that to happen. I'll not lie...watching my own step-daughter move through her pregnancy has been hard...harder than I imagined it would be. I don't understand. And I know that some things are not meant for me to understand this side of heaven, I am still angry and confused at why God would allow this. My prayers have changed from asking for a miracle to asking God simply to remove this desire from me if it isn't in His will. I mean, I think that's a reasonable request right? If I'm not going to be blessed with another child, then at least give me that peace so that I don't desire it anymore. We all know women who talk about holding a friend or family member's newborn and they say, "It was sweet, but I have NO DESIRE for more...my family is complete." I want that. I think it's the least He can grant me. And when I feel that pang of jealousy at watching a new mom, I wonder why it is that He hasn't honored my simple request. I want to fill that hole with Him, but lately, I can't seem to get that far. My prayers feel like they don't make it past the ceiling of my house. And then I get increasingly frustrated with it all. I'm tired of feeling sad and far away from God. I want to be close to Him. I want to feel Him.
So...anyway, that's what is going on with me. I know I will work my way through this somehow and that child or no child, I'll come out on the other side, but right now I feel like I'm in a spirital wasteland. I continue to search for wisdom in those that I respect...my pastor, my lifelong friend and ultimately My God. Stay tuned...
On a lighter note, today was grandparents day at Jenna's school. I talked with "Nana" (Bertie-my step-mother) early this morning and she was already under the weather and did not think she'd be able to make it. Jenna was very disappointed, but understood that sometimes people get sick. Unfortunately, Steve's parents were unable to make it. But when I picked Jenna up this afternoon, the first words out of her mouth was to tell me that Nana surprised her today at school. She said, "I was coming down the hall and saw Nana, but didn't realize she was my grandparent until she said, 'Hi, Jenna Grace' and I said, 'Hey! There's Nana!!!'" She was so surprised and pleased and I was touched that even though she didn't feel like it, she drug herself out of bed to make a 5 year old girl happy. Thank God for women like Bertie!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings...somehow just posting about them makes me feel better.