I did some thinking this morning on the drive in. With Jenna at home during the summer, the drive in can be quite boring. I think this morning was the first time I really had time to myself to process what happened last week with the loss of my brother.
I find myself vascillating back and forth between being terrified to die and leaving my family prematurely and feeling drawn towards heaven. I'm not suicidal, so don't misunderstand. But just the thought of being with family that I love and have lost and not having so much pain is definitely a desire.
I admit, I am good at faking it. On the outside, I can smile and say I'm fine and thank everyone for their words of sympathy and support. And occasionally I'm good enough to actually make myself forget for short moments at a time. But inside, I'm wondering why.
Wondering what God is wanting me to learn through these last few years.
Wondering when it will stop.
Wondering when things will go back to normal for me.
Wondering if I can even remember what normal is.
Outside I might look "fine". I say the right words and smile in the right places, but inside...I'm hurting. I don't like to hurt, but it lets me know that I'm still alive. As long as I can feel pain, there is life in me. In the song by Natalie Grant, "Held", she talks about Christians not being exempt from pain in this world. I'm not the exception. But I know that God is walking me through all of this. While I don't understand why, there is a reason. And at some level, I have no choice but to trust Him.
It's funny, but I find God speaks to me so much through music. I so missed my calling to be a performer because I do love music. Today I heard the song "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant. Now, I'll admit, since she went mainstream, I've not been a huge Amy Grant fan (and it had NOTHING to do with her going mainstream...just thought her music changed too much). But the words to this song just touched me. Because I have satellite radio, I was able to listen to it several times. The words spoke to me. And maybe they speak to you too.
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
Better than a church bell ringing, Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
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