Ruminations of a Pregnancy Lost...

Warning: this relates to early miscarriage so if you are sensitive, please skip this post.

Lately, I've been thinking and dealing with the whole supposed miscarriage issue I went through a few weeks ago. I use the word "supposed" and I'll tell you why...

When I went to the doctor, I told her what was going on and she said "most likely" I'd had a miscarriage. Because I waited several weeks before getting checked out, a pregnancy test showed up negative and they didn't draw blood to confirm because I was several weeks past the symptoms that originally showed up and then caused me to go get checked out.

During the time in which my symptoms presented themselves (by the way, I'm being ambiguous because this public blog I'm not comfortable talking about the specifics), the thought had crossed my mind that I might be miscarrying, but in all honestly, I figured it was wishful thinking (NOT that I was miscarrying, but that I was even pregnant to begin with). Then, I go into the doctor and she confirmed what I had wondered but dared not speak aloud.

So, up until now, I've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find more information about when things happened in the prior couple months, in order to prove, mostly to myself, that I wasn't ever really pregnant to begin with and that there must be another explanation for my symptoms. Well...I've researched emails, caldendars, blogs, posts etc. just to have everything I found point to, indeed, a miscarriage. It's hard to explain while attempting ambiguity, but it's true.

Now, I'm faced with the astounding fact that I most likely (yes, my OB said about 97%) was pregnant even if just for a few short weeks. The whole thing is still a little unbelievable to me as I'm sure it is to Steve. I mean, when you have built your life around trying for something that you knew was most likely never to happen, it's a little mind-blowing when it does.

Let me put it in terms easier for the general population to understand. Imagine that you've been playing the lottery, or even McDonald's Monopoly for years never believing you'd ever win, but still 1/2 heartedly playing anyway. Until one day, you find that you actually hit the jackpot. Your numbers came up or you got the Park Place sticker...After all the hoopla, you'd most likely spend a lot of time trying to work out how you got where you were and thinking of every possible explanation that you DIDN'T win. Then, after examining all the possibilities, you find that you definitely won the jackpot. Well, that's kind of how I feel. I've been rolling the dice for some time now, not ever really expecting to win, but playing just for fun. And then I find out that not only was I pregnant, but I miscarried.

Emotionally, I really am fine. I mean, had I tested and found I was pregnant and then miscarried later, I would probably be a lot different, but as it happened, it was over before I knew it began. Although, I'm sure I'm rolling the dice again as we put down a deposit for a cruise next August and am in the process of turning our one and only spare bedroom into a scrapbooking room. But you know...we still believe what God wills will happen. Nothing more and nothing less.

We are looking forward to what the future will bring...regardless of whether that involves a pregnancy. All I'll know is that coming up on this Thanksgiving, I'll have lots to be thankful for!

I'll keep everyone posted, but don't hold your breath!