I am…Alive? Back? No longer MIA?

Hi y’all.

Have you missed me?  I have missed you.  At least I think I have.    I guess you might have noticed that I took an unintended hiatus from blogging.  Not only blog writing, but blog reading too!  It’s been many years since I took that long of an extended break from writing on my blog, but also from reading blogs.

The only thing to blame?  Life.  Work was crazy.  Life was crazy.  Summer was crazy.  It left no time for blogging.  Actually, I guess I had time for it, I just didn’t make it a priority.

So what has been keeping me so busy?  Well, that’s something you’ll find out if you stick around.  It’s nothing earth shattering, but it is just our life.  I plan to start blogging again.  It’s kinda like scrapbooking (which has also been on hiatus for a much longer time than blogging)…once you pick it back up again and do a few pages, you get in the groove and it just gets easier.

Here’s just a tease of what you’ll see more of if you are even still out there…

I’m back but be patient.  It might take me a while to get back in the swing.

I am…A Conflict Avoider

Of all the things I am, this one is pretty big.  I will avoid direct conflict at all costs.  Sometimes it takes the form of being a peace maker, but I do hate conflict.  So, what happens when someone offends me?  Whether it be on purpose or accidentally?  I stuff.

If you upset me or make me mad, rather than just tell you about it so we can work it out, I stuff it inside, deal with it internally and then hopefully get over it.  I just hate conflict.

I even hate conflict that I’m not involved in directly.  If I am in a group of folks (or like a meeting at work) and two other people start to disagree, I immediately have the urge to step in, make a joke (defense mechanism) and try to diffuse the situation.  It is slightly ridiculous I realize, but it is just the way I am.  Even when I’m reading blogs, reading some of the comments makes me uncomfortable.

Let me give you another perfect (albeit silly) example.  Steve DVRs those shows like Lizard Lick Towing.  I absolutely cannot stand to watch them, one because I think they are dumb (sorry fans, but it’s just not my cup of tea) and because of the constant conflict they are in the middle of all the time.

I’m just not an in-your-face kinda girl.  Now, mess with my family and like any other Mama on the planet, I’m gonna come up fighting.  But most of the time, I will vent to a close friend or two and then I’m going to take some time to stew on it and then eventually I’ll move on.

So if you think you’ve offended me in the past…you very well could be right.  But then again, you’ll probably never know!!!

I am…A Fixer

Oh yes, I am very much a fixer. And I had no idea I was one until I pointed out how my husband was one and he basically said, “It takes one to know one!”.  The first time Steve realized he was a fixer was after we had exhausted all our fertility treatment trying for a sibling for Jenna.  I still highly desired another child and could not understand why God would not remove the desire but yet not give me the one thing I wanted.  (Oh, how ironic…). 

We were on our way to church one Sunday morning when I was lamenting this fact and Steve just kept firing off fixes to me, “Well, maybe this” and “Maybe that” and I finally told him I just needed him to listen to me.  Not to try and fix it.  And the light bulb went off.

It was several years later when I was attempting to fix his current problem (whatever it was) and he pointed out to me the very same trait I’d called him on.  And he was right on.  I have the gifts of mercy and encouragement. And because I can feel your pain, so to speak, I also try to fix it.  Just ask my friend Katelyn.  I know she gets tired of telling me what is going on in her life because I am constantly trying to fix it for her…which is better know as…giving advice.

I have come to realize this about myself and try not to give unsolicited advice.  But being a fixer is ingrained in who I am. It’s something I really have to watch with my kids, especially Jenna because as a mom, it can be very tempting to try and fix her problems too, which can become a problem.

I guess there are worse things…

I am…An Encourager

I have 2 pretty “active” gifts.  One is mercy.  One is encouragement.   I am a habitual encourager.  My mercy gift means I am sympathetic.  If I see you are crying, I want to know what’s wrong and I will be there to hold your hand and cry with you.  That’s a pretty nice gift to have…helping others in need.  Thanks God!

My encouraging many times goes hand in hand with the mercy gift.  But it also means I’m a “fixer”.  You know, some of us are married to fixers.  I realized Steve was a fixer a long time before I recognized it in myself.  Many, many moons ago, I remember where we were when I was telling him all about my desire for another child.  Up until that point, God had not opened that door and Steve’s heart was not yet open to adoption.  And I remember him giving me all these “tips” on working through the desires.  And I was like, “Hey, I’m not asking you to fix this for me.  I just want you to listen and be sympathetic.”  That conversation stuck with him and he does listen more than he tries to fix now days.

But I am SO much the same way.  As any of my semi-close friends will tell you, do NOT come to me with a problem unless you want me to try and fix it.  Katelyn probably has to endure this more than anyone I am around because unfortunately for her, she likes to tell me her problems from time to time.  I guess by now, she’s figured out that if she’s going to share, I’m going to fix.

However, along with being a fixer, comes encouragement.  My friend, Julie, said to me recently, “You really take your encouraging gift seriously!”.  But most times, I have no idea I’m doing it.  I am just a perpetual cheerleader which can definitely be annoying sometimes.  Because yeah, sometimes you just want to vent and not have someone try to fix it or encourage you.  Sometimes a gift just needs to wallow. 

Having the gifts of mercy and encouragement means you can walk someone all the way through a crisis.  You can be sympathetic and a shoulder to cry on, but then you can also work with them through it.  The truth is, I tend to draw people who are in crisis to me.  I’m not talking about my close friends.  They know me and we share our troubles and sorrows.  I’m talking about truly random people…like one day at work, I had to track down a work acquaintance in another line of business whom I hadn’t talked to in several years.  She ended up being out of the office and had to return my call.  We talked about 20 minutes of which 5 was work related.  The other 15 was her telling me about her elderly parents who were both sick and hard being an adult child to aging parents is (can I get an amen?!).  And she wasn’t being a weirdo telling a virtual stranger her problems…but somehow I just drew her in.

Most times I dig getting into someone else’s problem (I was a psychology major, originally hoping to go into private practice) and helping them feel better make me happy.  But sometimes…only sometimes…it gets hard.  And tiring.   And I don’t wanna.  I don’t want to hear another problem.  I don’t want to come up with another solution.  I don’t want to feel sad for a friend who has a problem I simply CAN’T FIX.

Because sometimes you can’t fix them.  Sometimes all you can do is listen to them cry.  And that’s hard.  It’s hard for a fixer.  It’s hard to have no encouraging words for a habitual encourager.

But I’m forever thankful for these gifts God has given me.  So, if you need a shoulder to lean on or an encouraging word…you know where to find me. 

I am...A Master Guilt-Tripper

Yeah, this one I’m not super proud of.  But it is a large part of who I am.  I don’t really know where the guilt-tripping came from but best I can figure, it came from a couple of prominent male figures in my life when I was young. 

I can lay a guilt trip on you so subtly that you never know I did it.  Most of my friends have likely experienced this even though they may not have realized it at the time.

I can also put a guilt trip on myself that would make a grown person cry.  And sometimes it does!

But the ones who get the brunt of my guilt laying?  My family.  The thing is, I think Steve caught on to me pretty early in our marriage.  But Jenna is probably the unlucky recipient of most of my guilt trips. 

This is part of me that I don’t like.  I don’t want her (or anyone) to feel like I made them feel guilty. This is part of my life that God is shedding light on and of course, whatever is brought into the light is no longer hidden and must be dealt with.

So if you catch me laying a guilt trip on you or someone else, call me out.  Because I can assure you, God is!

I Am…An Open Book

An open book?  Yep.  Those who know me at all know that there’s not much I won’t tell you if you ask. 

If you have questions about adoption, special needs, family, my moral compass, political and religious beliefs, parenting, marriage, finance, work etc.ask me and very likely I will tell you. 

With that said, I do have a line that I won’t cross when it comes to my family’s privacy, but for the most part, I’m not afraid or ashamed of things like infertility, financial struggles etc. 

There’s no air of mystery about this girl.  I remember when we started looking at churches (that’s been 13+ years ago now), I was thinking how neat it would be to go from a place where everyone knew me, knew my family, knew my history to somewhere that I was just another person.  I wanted to come across as quiet and someone people wondered about.

That lasted about 2.355266 seconds.  I just don’t mind telling about myself if you want to know (or if you don’t!).

Sometimes this is good and sometime I venture a guess that it’s not good.  But it is a large part of who I am.  So if there’s something you want to know, go ahead and ask…I’ll probably be glad to share!

I am...a rule follower

I have been trying to think about something I could do on the blog ever so often that would be interesting and different.  So, after some thought, I came up with "I am..." posts.  Not to be confused with I AM posts which would be ones God wrote.  :)  "I am..." days will be once a month posts that will tell you a little about who I am.  Some of the things I am will be positive, some negative and some just matter of facts.  I thought it would be a good way to help you know me and later on, help my girls know who I was too...the good, the bad and the ugly.  Because, after all...all of those make up who I am.

I am...a rule follower.

And a die hard one at that.  My father was a police officer and my mother was one of the most kind hearted people on the earth who always did the right thing.  I never heard my mother utter a curse word in my presence (which is more than I can say for my children, unfortunately...)

When I'm filling out a form, I have to fill in every blank.  Bible study books?  EVERY BLANK.  I have been known to write "I don't know" in a blank just to have something there.  Because that's the rules, right?  You are supposed to fill in the blanks!

I read Moby Dick cover to cover in high school never skipping chapters or reading the Cliff's Notes.  Why?  Because that was the rule.

When I was in college, do you know I never skipped a class?  That's right.  NEVER.  My freshman year, I managed to arrange all my classes on MWF (I commuted) and the only days I missed were a Monday and Wednesday when my mom passed away and we buried her.  Mmmmhmmm..you are learning way more about me today, no?

My current job (one of them) is to literally follow rules and ensure everyone around me follows them as well.  Truth.  That's my job.  Compliance.  Look it up.

For many, many years, I never broke the speed limit.  I know, LAME.  But remember, my dad was a cop.  It was instilled in me to follow the law.  And to do the "right thing" at all costs.  I was also afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

And this has bled over into my spiritual life as well.  I DO mess up.  And I mess up ALOT.  I recently broke the confidences of a friend. I was SO disappointed in myself.   I had broken the rules of the friendship.   And you know, I could have brushed my error under the rug and my friend probably would have NEVER known the difference. But instead, I had to confess.   And I did. And she was not happy with me. And it was hard.  And I couldn't fix it.  But you know what comes right behind rule-followers who break the rules?  INTENSE GUILT.  So yeah, there's that. 

So, that's just one more facet of me.  I'm a rule follower.  But I break the rules and mess up all the time.  Thank God his grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning.

And lucky for me...so were my friend's.